Fast Food Fantasies

The past few weeks I’ve been craving fast food. I don’t mean a burger from Five Guys or a dirty water dog, I’m talking about abandoning my faculties and going to McDonald’s for a Big Mac, Wendy’s for a chicken sandwich or god forbid even Arby’s. Seriously, you know you’ve got a problem when you find yourself actively watching McDonald’s and Burger King commercials and wishing there was one next door to you.
So today, after I exercised my democratic responsibility to vote for someone who I don’t think is going to send our country further down a sewer; I walked over to McDonald’s and made my first bad decision of the day. I purchased a Crispy Chicken BLT meal with medium fries and a Coke as well as a Big Mac…because I figured, why not? To give you some background, the last time I ate fast food, or McDonald’s for that matter was in 2004 shortly after watching Super Size Me. Those of you that know me, know that I have since eaten at In-n-Out Burger on my trips to Los Angeles, but I don’t consider In-n-Out to be fast food considering they deliver fresh unfrozen meat to their restaurants every day and cook your food to order. We all know about McDonald’s on the other hand. And while I stood there waiting on line, I watched someone slapping ¼ inch thick “ burger” patties onto some kind of double sided grill, tossing the excess back into a freezer and then closing the lid. Then I got home and started in on my sandwiches. I removed the top piece of bread to my Chicken BLT to find a piece of lettuce as brown as one of the patties on my Big Mac staring me in the face.
To say the least, my McDonald’s experience today will be the last of my life. After I ate the once frozen, unsalted fries, the soggy chicken sandwich with the brown lettuce swimsuit and the Big Mac; which tasted primarily like Thousand Island dressing and bread; I felt pretty crappy. I know Morgan Spurlock talked about this in his documentary, saying how McDonald’s food would make him feel sluggish and sick after eating it. That’s basically how I felt. I had a slight stomach ache, I felt tired and ever so briefly contemplated praying to the porcelain goddess. I’m since doing a lot better, but I’m serious about never eating McDonald’s food ever again. I can say for sure, I’ve gotten over any fantasies I may have been harboring about eating fast food and am going to turn my attention to other pursuits like trying out a vegan restaurant…just once, and basically so I can ridicule the waitress and cooks the entire time I’m there. Who knows, I might even bring a bloody steak and leave it on the table like a party favor. I’m also going to continue eating some of the foods that fall outside the norm, such as Goeduck, Durian, Balut and Sheep Testicles. The way I look at it, if I was able to keep down a Big Mac and a Chicken BLT, or whatever the hell that thing was, I can eat a fertilized duck egg or the stinkiest fruit known to man. I’m ready for whatever life throws at me, and as long as I’ve got a stomach that works, I’m going to continue to find crazy food to put in it.