French Toast, Eggs Benedict and Other Small Tragedies

I hate brunch. Or rather, I hate cooking brunch. I would even go so far as to say that brunch is the bane of the existence of the culinary professional. Whether you are a cook, a hostess, a bus boy or dish washer every weekend when you come in it sucks out a little piece of your soul. Look, I don’t; and I haven’t met a cook who does, hate cooking scrambled eggs, bacon, French Toast, pancakes, omelettes and whatnot; hell, I even like going to brunch. It’s just that I don’t think there are any cooks out there who enjoy cooking a busy dinner service on a Friday or Saturday night, getting home at two in the morning and then waking up six hours later, to drag ass back into work and cook that stuff for six hours when you’re bleary-eyed, your mouth tastes like Makers Mark, cigarettes and shame and you’ve got a strange pain in your side you know wasn’t there nine hours ago.

Every time I’ve said, “if I never have to cook brunch another day in my life, I’ll die a happy man,” I get a knowing nod and a shrug from the cook I’m talking to. Almost as if he or she is saying, “yeah, I hear ya, but brunch is a necessary evil; so just suck it up and deal.” Many a Saturday and Sunday I wake up hating myself because of what I’ve done to my body and brain the night before and then stand over a hot stove scrambling eggs, pulling omelettes out of Salamanders, frittatas out of ovens and French Toast off of griddles…a zombie in checkered pants and a white jacket.

Last weekend, I had an opportunity to cook brunch more to my speed. I found myself in Hoboken visiting my old roommate, who through no fault of his own, has been fully domesticated with a dog, girlfriend, apartment combo. He’s come a long way from the booze chugging, skirt-chasing guy I remember from college; he’s grown up, he’s grounded, hell, he’s fucking responsible…and I say that in a good way. So we decided to catch up on one of the free weekends he’s probably had in months and hit some of the bars in Hoboken. I won’t waste your time talking about Hoboken; but suffice it to say, I care about Hoboken about as much as I care about the Rebecca Gayheart sextape. (NSFW)

Sunday morning, we went out and got a loaf of whole wheat bread, some heavy cream, bacon and eggs and then I loosed myself on my buddy’s kitchen. I mixed the eggs and heavy cream with some of the leftover buttermilk from the fried chicken I had made the previous night (not the same buttermilk I soaked the chicken in, c’mon!) and added a couple ounces of bourbon for good measure. Then I got to work cooking my bacon and saving the rendered fat to cook the scrambled eggs in. When it was all said and done, my buddy and I feasted while watching ESPN and discussing the merits of feeding bacon and eggs to a twelve pound dog. I’m including my recipe for the Buttermilk-Bourbon French Toast, just bear in mind this recipe isn’t winning any diet awards. It will, however; cut down on your sugar; because I never saw the need to put sugar in something I was going to cover in Maple Syrup ten minutes later. In addition, it does benefit from healthy whole wheat or filling brioche as opposed to useless white/Wonder Bread (which has a tendency to fall apart like Phil Mickelson at Torrey Pines). Just remember to watch your heat. I personally like my French Toast slightly crispy on the outside, but you don’t want it taking on a whole lot of colour beyond a nice burnished gold.

Buttermilk-Bourbon French Toast

Toast Batter
1 Pint – Heavy Cream
½ Pint – Buttermilk
3 oz – Bourbon
3 Eggs
Cinnamon & Nutmeg, to taste

8 slices of Whole Wheat or Brioche Bread
4 oz – Unsalted Butter

Place an oven-safe plate in the oven and pre-heat to 200 degrees F
Whisk eggs in a large bowl with heavy cream, buttermilk and bourbon then combine with cinnamon and nutmeg. Melt butter in a sauté pan or skillet over medium heat. Soak bread, on both sides, in batter then place in pan and cook until lightly browned on both sides. Remove slices from pan and place in oven until all slices are cooked.


Yield: 8 pieces of French Toast