Chocolate by the Rip-Off Artist

This originally appeared as a review in Yelp, and while I suppose I could use the actual name of the (and I use the term in the loosest possible sense) restaurant; since you could just get on Yelp and look through my reviews; it’s probably just easier if we go with an alias.
This story takes place over a year ago when I was still dating “that girl everyone hated,” we’ll call her: Cindy. Seriously, not a single one of my friends liked her; but she was hot and she was tiny and I’ve been known to be somewhat superficial from time to time, so that was fine with me.
Anyway, this takes place when she and I went to Ben Miller, Chocolate by the Curly Haired Rip-Off Artist. We went twice and the second time was even worse.
So the first time around, Cindy and I went in shortly after they’d first opened their Union Square location. We waited to talk to a hostess for about five minutes and then were told if we wanted a table, we were looking at about a twenty minute wait. We figured, okay fine; your restaurant just opened, you serve all things chocolaty, its nice outside, there are tons of couples here, my girlfriend and I will go smoke a butt and make fun of skateboarding hippies in Union Square Park for a little while.
When we got back to the restaurant and were finally seated Cindy and I sat there taking in the scene and staring at the menu...the full menu and we both decided on some drinks...ones with alcohol in them. The only problem, our waiter informed us, was the Curly Haired Rip-Off Artist hadn't been given his liquor license yet (maybe the kind of thing he'd want to put on his menu or notify people of when the walk in the door); so our options were smoothies or non-alcoholic beverages. Yeah, that’s what I want when I come to a restaurant looking for chocolate…is a smoothie! So then she and I decide, okay we’re not total alcoholics, we don’t need to have drinks to have a good time; we'll just split the chocolate fondue. Problem #2, our waiter informs us, “actually, we don't have the stuff to make our chocolate fondue yet.” Excuse me? You don’t have the stuff to make chocolate fondue? Forgive me for asking a seemingly obvious question but there is chocolate as far as the eye can see; and beyond that all you need is a bowl above pot of boiling water, and something to keep it warm. Our waiter shrugged at me and it was at that point Cindy and I decided to leave.
We went back several months later, after we’d broken up and in fairly quick succession gotten back together; much to the respective joy and chagrin of all my friends. We were going to see a movie at the Union Square Stadium 14 and had about an hour to kill, maybe a little more. We walked across the street and stood outside for a minute, the two of us looking at each other with the unsaid, “remember what happened here the last time,” passing between us. But we checked our watches and figured we had plenty of time to get a drink and share some fondue, right? Well, maybe not. We waited about fifteen minutes for a table, were seated and didn't even SEE our waiter for at least another ten minutes. Cindy and I decided we’d order exactly what we attempted to order our first time around: a Sergeant Peppermint Chocolate Martini for me, a Falling in Love Martini for her (we were so cute) and a Chocolate Fondue to share. Then we sat around and waited for our waiter…and waited and waited. When he finally showed up, and we ordered our drinks...with alcohol in them this time…and our chocolate fondue; it was at least twenty minutes before we got our drinks (if you're keeping score at home that's forty-five minutes gone when we originally had about an hour and change to spare and nothing to show for it but a drink we hadn't even started).
We inquired as to the status of our chocolate fondue, considering it doesn't take all that long to melt some chocolate in some milk or cream or whatever and cut up some fruit. He told us he'd check and by “check” he must’ve meant stand by the kitchen door and wait until it was ready because about ten minutes later, with our movie starting in another ten minutes, our fondue finally showed up. We tasted our Chocolate Fondue…the Chocolate Fondue we had waited months to taste and how do I put this besides simply saying that it sucked and we left? Ah yes, our Chocolate Fondue was more tasteless than your friend of five years waiting less than 24 hours before he jumps into bed with the girl who’s just broken your heart.
So Cindy and I dropped some money on the table and walked across the street to the theatre. Oh, and because it took so long for us to get our drinks and awful food we got to the movie after the previews had already started and had to sit on the stairs.