I’m standing in Five Guys, Wearing an In-n-Out Burger t-shirt

I like a good burger as much as the next guy. Actually, that’s a lie; I love hamburgers…good burgers, really good burgers, cooked medium-rare, that have a great meat-to-fat ratio so the juices and the perfectly melted cheese create a wonderful amalgam that slides off the edges of the burger, onto my fingers, but never makes it to the plate. I like nice round burgers that aren’t too hard and aren’t too soft, with a good bun, but one that doesn’t outshine the main attraction. In simpler terms, I worship at the Church of Hamburger.
I’m not the first person to write about burgers and god knows I won’t be the last; but I at least want to make a claim for some of my favorite burgers. I used to make the claim of X Burger Place has the “best burger I’ve ever had,” but I realized it’s nearly impossible. I could sit here and try to tell you that I’ve got a better palate or that I’ve tasted some of the freshest perfectly fatty beef turned into a burger and that I have had the definitive greatest burger ever. But then tomorrow I might end up in some little dive bar in Downtown Brooklyn, or Forest Hills, or Washington Heights eat there burger and have my theories blown to hell. Meat changes, recipes change, maybe you drank too much wine last night and your taste buds got fucked up, maybe the guy who was making your “awesome” burger at the Burger Joint last Thursday night isn’t there when you walk in with your best friend from college on a Sunday afternoon. And the whole walk over you’ll be telling her about how amazing the burger was; and then you’ll order and the guy’s not there and the stars won’t align and the wind will change and she won’t have the heart to tell you that it’s decent but that she could probably get one just as good at Bartley’s on Mass Ave.
If you asked me two years ago, who made the bust burgers in the City I wouldn’t have missed a beat and told you Corner Bistro had cornered the burger market (no pun intended) and that all others were imitators, impostors and ill-equipped to wrest the title of “Best Burger” from them. Now, I’m not so sure. I still think they are among some of the better burger places in the City, but I can’t call them the best (even though if you check my Yelp page you’ll see then ranked number one).
All of this started, by the way, because I got into an argument with a friend of mine about Five Guys Burgers. He claimed they were fantastic, while I said they were no better than a dressed up cafeteria burger. As far as I’m concerned, they’re not even the best fast food burger I’ve had. That honor goes to California’s In-n-Out Burger. No other fast food burger comes close to the burgers I’ve had there…not by a long shot. A quick word on Five Guys though: What is the big deal? Seriously, somebody tell me, because I just don’t see it and these fuckin’ yelpers are going gaga! I’ve tasted their burger patties and yay for me,

I can put jalapeños and relish and green peppers and barbeque sauce and grilled mushrooms on my burger, how awesome! As far as I’m concerned, a burger should be about the burger, not the toppings. Once you throw all that crap on your burger, how are you supposed to know what the meat tastes like? I don’t know how anybody with a good palate who can honestly say that Five Guys Burgers are the best in the City. Seriously? It’s a fast food burger, it’s a step up from Wendy’s for Christ’s sake. I know I’m ranting a bit here, but I’m a little upset (and my buddy Dopp agrees with me on this one) that every asshole with an opinion and an appetite can get on yelp or citysearch or where ever and pontificate about food when the large majority of them don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. I don’t know, maybe it’s the econo-sized peel-n-eat peanuts people can reach their grubby fingers in while waiting for their food that everyone likes so much.
Good burgers are about consistency. A “good burger” isn’t the one you had once that knocked your socks off and then was just okay the second time around. A “good burger” isn’t a one that you pile high with toppings. And above all, a good burger has nothing to do with your choice of curly or sweet potato fries or a gluten-free bun or the surly waiter who sassed you. A good burger is the one you can rely on, the one that no matter what day of the week or what time of day, tastes virtually the same as it did the first time you bit into it.
As a matter of fact, all this talk of burgers has gotten me thinking (read, salivating), and tonight; I’m heading in search of some ground beefy goodness.

photo credit: chowchowchow - flickr